I had my final check up today, im great. Back to normal again, everything is fine. And i have lost weight a little abit! Which is more than great!

But...L did test today, and it was negative :( I feel so sad. I know they have alot of embryos still left that they can try again. But, this must me soooo stressful to her, i can´t even imagine. All the disappointments, ang they just keep coming more and more. They deserve to be parents! I don´t believe in God, even though i´m Christian...But God do something! Why you let so nice people to have all this misery in their lives???? I feel like i´m fail, even i know i´m not, i did my part already. But still, why they have to keep going this lonely road again???

thank you for this great journey with you.

im so lazy blog writer :D and my computer is soooo slow. its going slower and slower everyday. i have to think guying new one soon.
im back to myself again! no pain or anything! monday tuesday night was painful, i woke up 2 times and i felt horrible pain on right side of my tummy. there is only few small bruises in my tummy to remind me what i just gone thru.

this is the end of my part. im kind of sad. i know im gonna miss our emails. L has been like a friend to me. she is kind, sweet person with awsome sense of humor! i know she is gonna be the best mom ever! i hope everything goes well, there has been too much disapointments for them. hope my many many follicles help!

Would i do this again? Maybe. i can still remember the pain, so my answer is maybe. but if i do, i want to do it same way like i did. i dont want to use agency. but i know if i do this, its not gonna be this great as its been now.

this was my horrible blog. i will post next time when i know, is my mission completed. otherwise, im not good blog writer, i leave it to someone who can do it!

maybe it would be easier to write in finnish, my native.

anyway, thank you L! this was great experience!

All done.

i feel bad cause i haven´t update my blog. i just been busy. i wanted to spend last week with B, cause on monday he travelled to Mexico.

Everything went well though. I was acting like a monster with my hormons, but otherwise it was ok. i took all the shots, and my tummy was in bruises :D but taking shots was easy to me.

Last sunday was retrieval day. It was ok, i wasn´t nervous or anything, until...I woke up saturday-sunday morning and i felt horrible pain in my tummy, on right side. I though i just need to use washroom and that´s it. But it wasn´t. I could not even walk. I told B to call just someone and tell us what to do. B called to Dr.A. We would meet in a hour at the clinic. It felt like forever. I was sweating and i couln´t breathe cause i felt so much pain. I have never felt that much pain before. B drove us to clinic at 5am. Doctor did check up, and i was fine. The pain wasn´t that bad at this point. He said I have turn around when i was sleeping and that is what cause so much pain. I was fine and we went to home.

We stop buy at home, and i change my clothes and we drove back to downtown. To retrieval. It was ok place and easy to find. Exept, i hate the nurses there. They were kind of rude and they didn´t find my veins :( Then the doctor came and he find it right away! B came with me. It was really really painful, even if they gave me alot medicine. and i kept falling asleep and saw weird dreams.

anyway, im tired and uncomfortable...i tell you more tomorrow...

its the hormons, not me.

2 shots behind. They went well, giving shots is easy. Everything else...not so easy :D
I have been so sad today, specially in evening. I dont know, if its about the meds but...crying, laughing, crying, crying. Angry, happy, angry, happy. This reminds me the time i were pregnant. I didnt know it would effect this fast, but i think they do. Im waiting if i started to want cheap water tasting puddings :D

I feel weird. I want puppy. So bad. I think i want it more today than yesterday. Its dangerous to surf on kijiji or any websites where i can find puppy pics. I just want it so bad...and cause im lunatic, i think B wont let me take the dog, cause he wants to tease me :D I dont want to go back to Finland. I want stay. Do you think B wants me to go back, so it would be easier for him to leave me? What if he is with me only cause he feels he have to. I dont know, i should learn to talk more. But again, i want puppy...i want to bad, just go and buy one. i know if i do that, B will let me keep it...he just will be so mad to me....

My tummy feels...like few days before i get my periods. but this time its on both sides...its not bad. and no headaches!!!! even if i drinked only 2cups of coffee today.

I will write something, if something happens...or on friday when i get back from the clinic...any of my thoughts does not make any sense now...

i need some medicine baby!

yes i need, but not like the song, bad medicine. im gonna take only the good ones! and hopefully i will feel this well after i have take injection few days...
gona
my meds. for now. so here we go, tonight is really the day! everything starts, for real. all the paperwork is done! B and i went to clinic at the morning. I was feeling bad for L, cause she was waiting at the clinic. We were late, and i didnt have chance to talk with L. Its ok though, i hope we will see after all this is done. Maybe have a cup of coffee and discuss how we felt about all this. If she is not want to do that, thats ok. Im fine with anything!

So i did everything to injection pen what i supposed to before first shot. There is something wrong with me, cause i couldnt wait until 9, i did it like 8.30pm. i was so excited. needle was so small and thin, and it did not hurt at all! it went well, like i have already said, everything will go ok! On friday i need to to clinic for bloodwork and ultrasound.

until friday...knitting and looking for puppy(im not gonna buy one, B wont let me:D)

understanding what is baby fever

So, tomorrow is THE day! We are going to clinic for bloodwork and ultasound. And i can get my meds with me. And hopefully the nurse will give me a call later tomorrow, and tell i can start the injections! We have waited this day so much. I have wait, but i think L has wait even more!

Im not nervous. Not at all. Which is good thing i guess. Im not even worried, at all. And no stress anymore. So i think everythin will go very well. I though i will be nervous about the injections, but after the nurse showed how everything goes..i know i can do it! And B is prepared of everything, hah. he think on next few weeks i will cry, be mad to him without no reason etc. but he promised that there is always ice cream and chocolate to make me feel better.

PUPPY FEVER! i have huge puppy fever. Now i finally can understand women who has huge baby fever..i never did, but now i know. i have been knitting little sweaters to my future puppy. My days go surfling chihuahua websites...I would love to have puppy now! but i think we should wait, until im back from Finland and we have move to cheaper apartment. But i would really want one now!!!!!I dont even want to buy thing to myself, i just wanna go to petsmart and buy thing to puppy! im gonna spoil it so badly someday..... waiting waiting waiting for my little "baby"

More about tomorrow...after i have come home from the clinic...im so excited! I hope L is doing well, i know she has a lot of stress, and all she can do is wait wait wait. But she is strong, one of the strongest woman i know. Who can still be so funny and take some of these things with humor, after living years years with infertility. She can do this, we are almost there...

sex and chocolate = less stress

Stress. that is poison to my body right now. i shouldn´t stress about anything. i want my eggs to be not just good, i want them to the best! B is stressed out more than i am... We just have to do our best to make eachother happy.

Chocolate. Finnish milk chocolate. I bought some today. And i ate it all! Can you believe??100g chocolate, and it felt like one bite. But it´s so good, best chocolate ever. I was in heaven. Yes, i have an addiction. Too bad i did not buy more....maybe i have to go tomorrow or monday to buy more....Maybe i need to start to eat dark chocolate, cause it´s much more healtier? Hmm..I wann go to chocolate bath. I wanna eat chocolate guitar. I could gover myself with chocolate. Yep, im weirdo and i just love finnish chocolate.

Sex. Finally, something is happening here. B is working at nightshifts, and doing some overtime too. So he is reaaally tired almost all the time. But yesterday, he got home after 5am, and woke me up with small shy kisses...awwww! When i woke up today, i feel like im new person, i was so happy and full of life. And i did not even know about the chocolate yet.
Im sooo in love. There no such a thing what makes me leave B. And it´s weird, but everytime im next to him, i want him so bad.

I send emails with L today. I don´t know how she do it? Everytime i read her emails, i got this happy, warm feeling. Feeling like i have purpose. She has been so great to me. I think i couldn´t do the same, if i would be on her situtation. I can´t even imagine how stressful it´s been in past years. But yes, happy to do it. I read some instructions about the injections, and i think i will be fine! Im looking forward to give the injections. We just have to be careful, we can´t mix our needles. They look quite similar. Hormones to B and insuline to me?? Not so good thing, and i think B´s eggs wouldn´t be as good as mine!

I hope in few months i can hear some really happy and positive news from L.